The first thing that can goes wrong is the date, meaning the man, then the date, meaning the calendar date. Don't tell me you've never arrived at the wrong time or place or missed the person you were meeting?
Crisis
What crisis? You live the perfect life? Please date me. I need help. I lurch from crisis to crisis. If I don't have a crisis, I just imagine one.
John
Oh, No John - Not Another John!
A man called John who was going to see me and promised to invite me out can't make it. But somebody else called John writes to say I haven't replied to his message and am I still free for lunch?
I say, 'I thought you cancelled.'
'No I didn't,' he says.
'I never got your message,' I say.
Butterfly
By now we are both confused.
He thinks I have a butterfly mind.
Why would he think that? 'Yes,' I say, 'a pretty butterfly.'
Three people called John ring during the morning. John to cancel. John from the garage. John to make a date.
Another John calls 'from the library'. Okay, this must be my date? No, it isn't. Wrong voice. It must be my friend who I told about my three Johns, playing a trick.
Oh, dear, it really is John from the library. This unsuspecting man is puzzled because I've spent three minutes wisecracking about people claiming to be John and I'm really Queen Elizabeth.
Comedy
Why do I live in an ongoing comedy?
Somebody upstairs (God) is playing silly games with me.
I've never believed that the universe is run by a vengeful or kindly lord
Nor a wicked Satan.
But I do think it might be run by a guy who has a wicked sense of humour.
I can't see the supposed missed message. Can't see the message, but delighted to get the re-send. As far as anything enjoyable goes, the sooner the better.
Glitches
Let's aim at Monday. No, all the restaurants are closed Monday. How about Tuesday? Then, if any outside glitch causes a postponement, we still have the option of Wednesday. Then you could postpone until Thursday.
Wrong, wrong
What could go wrong? Everything. A date could be cancelled because ... Most of these, or variations are causes for cancelled arrangements I've experienced. Not necessarily blind dates, but life in general:
1 An overturned lorry has blocked the dual carriageway between us and our lunch.
2 Your house, shop or office has burned down.
3 Your spouse wants a day off to think about the divorce and the only free accommodation she could think off was a battered women's refuge and you have to show you care and get her out before people think you are some kind of lunatic.
4 Your dog has run off and the police have found it - mixed blessing - you must fetch it immediately because it is causing traffic problems.
More Glitches:
5 Your kid has gone into hospital.
6 You broke your arm playing tennis.
7 You broke your leg skiing.
8 Your car has broken down or gone in for servicing. You have two cars but your spouse or offspring are fifty miles away in the other one.
9 Your work is keeping you in a foreign city.
10 A transport strike or foiled terrorist attack has stopped transport and prevented you from getting home.
Miss Perfect Miss Manager
I refer him to my blog on restaurants, hoping he won't think I'm just promoting restaurants. I wish I were. I should be.
Mismanaged
Three seconds of self-criticism. Why aren't I making a mint promoting restaurants? He must think I am an amateur. A blog on restaurants, but no pop-ups, no money-making scheme, no plan. He would be making a million from any of my ideas.
Moment over.
Since he's so clever
and organized, I suggest he picks a restaurant, and he books it.
Booking
I won't book a restaurant. Men who expect me to book might then cancel. I don't want to keep cancelling restaurants. You can't do that more than once. They won't take any more bookings.
Tizz
Yes, I'm working myself into a tizz of outrage. If he won't focus on a destination, a place, a time, or commit himself to a stranger running a restaurant, he probably wouldn't commit to turning up!
I shall cancel.
No I won't.
Calm
Calm down. I tell him, 'Tell me what time and name you've booked under. I'll be looking for a man with a beard, so if you shave it off let me know.
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