Rumania, Rumania

Hugely entertaining.

Holiday Heaven & Hell

 Animated Angela.

'How was your play performance? At the rehearsal?' Asked the lady sitting opposite me at dinner at the Writers' Holiday.

I was impressed that my reputation as an amateur actress had reached this charming stranger.

I smiled, 'How did you know I was in a play?'

'You told me. You sat next to me, at lunch time. Remember?'

'Oh, yes.' I attempted to recover. 'You look different from this angle.'

I had not looked at her face when she sat on my left at lunch time. I had been engrossed in chasing the dead fish around the plate without knocking the bread roll onto the floor, alongside the two white paper table napkins. They had floated down from my lap unassisted, like hang gliders.

The elderly gentleman, aged in his nineties sitting on my right, had a better memory than mine. He said to me, 'How is your huband? He came here with you about ten years ago.'

I gasped, 'You have a phenomenal memory. I saw him last week - and I've forgotten him already.'

The lady opposite me laughed. I focused on her face. Her name tag hanging from the conference lanyard was below the level of the table.

I asked her, 'How do you spell your name?'

'It's Sue,' she answered. 'Spelled the usual way. Ess you ee.'

'Ah yes. SUE, as in I shall sue you?'

'Yes. You are right. Although I never sue anybody.'

'No of course not. No time for that. What do you do in the day, when you are not busy, eating, fish?'

'I like to swim. In the river Derwent.'

'I swim in swimming pools.. Clear water. I Suppose the river is cheaper. Is the water clean?'

'Yes, you can see fish.'

'I can see fish now, on my plate.'

'It is very relaxing.'

'Is it deep? Do you swim under water?'

'No I never swim under water.'

'Very wise. You never know what you might see.

'I can't see you very well, because you are silhouetted against the window. You have bright white light, all around your head.

'It's my halo,' she said.

'It suits you, ' I said. 'I would like a halo. Where can I buy one.'

'Anywhere. They are not expensive.'

'Primark.'

'Probably.'

Writers' Dream comic poem number 450... by Angela Lansbury

 I dream I'll write a famous work

Best selling novel or sweet song

If I stick to the facts and truth

Add quotes and rhymes, it can't take long

Mixed mother's metaphors

 I'm ringing to say you're invited to dinner, and my son will pick you up in his car after work. He said he would phone you, but I thought I would phone, because waiting for him to phone is like waiting for the Messiah to come.

Thanks to Shoshanna for this phrase.

Of course, it is the metaphor which is mixed, not the mother.

This will only be a mixed meatphor if we add another metaphor to the mix.

Polyglots - is it all Greek to you? What the French say!

The phrase, it's all Greek to me, meaning I cannot understand it, is a modernized, slightly changed version of a phrase in William Shakespeare's play, The Tragedy of Julius Caesar.

What do the Greeks say? They say it's Chinese. That's what many other languages say.

In Europe the squat toilets are out of fashion. Some countries call them French toilets. The French call them Turkish toilets.

Eyelet fabric used to be known by the French term, broderie Anglaise.

In England we used to call sliding patio doors, French windows. The French called them English windows.

In England we talk of Danish pastries. French speaking countries call them Viennoise. 

In England we have French dressing, and French letters.

 Useful Website

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_to_me

Poem Life Is A Toss Of Dice?

 

On Facebook on a writers page somebody asked us to write a poem using the words: dice, ice, lice, mice, nice, rice, vice

Here is my version

Life's A Toss Of Dice

Angela Lansbury 

Life is like a toss of dice, 

You could get sunshine, could get ice, 

could get health, could catch lice, 

could cuddle a cat, be scared of mice, 

but most days life is spicy but nice, 

that's because I'm naughty but nice, 

eat potato, pasta or rice, once or thrice, 

I'm the president, you are the vice, 

election swings like the toss of the dice, 

and so, I say, go with the flow, 

because I know, 

life is like the toss of a dice.

Which goes to show

It isn't only what you know

Yet people always say

it isn't good to have all work no play

Or to rely on the toss of a dice

it just encourages you to shirk

You could achieve more if you work

And sweep the yard and study hard

A not just sit expecting it

to fall in your lap

Or change like the map

Expecting cuddles like a cat

Take my advice

Get up and go

Show who you are and what you know

And don't rely 

On the toss of a dice

When you could read a book

Or go and cook

A cake with spice - that would be nice

Not just the curtain of what's uncertain

A recipe makes it easy

So do what you're able

Put food on the table

If you want to eat, you need to act

That is a fact, let's make a pact

With no time lost, it's time to toss

The salad and pancake, or we'll feel cross

Though you could choose a recipe

With the toss of a dice.

-ends-

Copyright Angela Lansbury

Please acknowledge author and if possible refer back to this blog post when quoting. Thanks. If you want a poem for a birthday or anniversary, Xmas or special occasion, I can do so and have other friends who can do the same for a small fee.

Things Men Should Not Say On A First Date

1 My last girlfriend committed suicide. 

I wonder why.

I don't want to talk about. 

If you insist.

HEALTH

2 I have a heart condition - I just had a triple bypass. 

VIRGINS

3 I am a virgin. Can you help me? 

WIVES

4 You can speak to my wife on the phone - she doesn’t mind - she’s with her boyfriend. 

5 My last wife loved being asphyxiated. 

MONEY

6 Wait for me in the restaurant. I have to find a cash machine. 

7 I may be late - I have to see somebody who owes me a lot of money.

 8 I am a millionaire. I’ll take you out for a cup of coffee. 

9 I had a million but I lost it. 

10 I can’t invite you back. My ex wrote graffiti all over my walls. 

11 I drive very fast and wrote off the last car - would you like to come for a drive? 

12 Shall we skip the meal and go straight to the fun part? 

13 I drive a white van I use for work and you wouldn't want to ride in it.

LIES

 14 I put up the five year old photo because I didn't have a better one. What was wrong with it?

 15 I can't stay long. My wife didn't want me to go out to dinner without her. I hope she hasn't followed me. 

NUDITY

16 Of course I was serious when I said I wanted you to wear a coat and nothing underneath it. I'm very disappointed. I know it's cold, but you could have worn a ski jacket. 

CONTRACEPTION

17 I didn't think of bringing any contraceptives. I was tested a month ago. 

18 Contraceptives are a waste of time. You can still get pregnant. My last girlfriend did. 

TIMING

19 I have to be home by ten to let the cat out. 

20 I need an early night. I'm going to Italy for six months tomorrow. 

 Has anybody said the same to you? Or worse? 

What's the worst thing you've said on a first date? 

Did you manage to recover? Or did you make things worse? 

Can you suggest any serious or funny replies?